i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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