just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
