then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
