My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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