My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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