I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
