Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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