road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
