May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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