a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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