Dude my mom stole all your condoms
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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