I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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