Your tits are I can't wait for
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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