You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
