we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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