the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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