it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
