Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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