Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
