Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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