Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
