life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize