OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
