I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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