totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Randomize
