there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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