You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
