Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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