Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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