dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
