mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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