Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
