My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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