i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
