Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
