I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
