I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize