Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
