$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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