he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
