Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
