I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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