I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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