it wasn't lemon gatorade
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
