Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
