how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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