I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Your cock deserves a montage
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
