the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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