i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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