pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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