I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
