I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
