my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
