Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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