He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
