I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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