My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
