Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
