I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
