I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
