Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
3pm strippers are depressing
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
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