Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
