Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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