My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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