he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
