dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
