And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
