I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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